Navigating Puberty: Insights Into Teenagers And Tension At 10

Discover effective parenting strategies to tackle the unique challenges of puberty in teenagers aged 10–12 years. Make parenting easier with expert tips and advice.

“Your little girl is so behaved!” I used to hear that all the time from strangers and loved ones.

My young daughter and I once lived in a father-child harmony utopia. We played together, shared meals, and even helped each other tidy up her playroom. It was the perfect parenting scenario until, well, her tween years barged in.

Let me begin by expressing immense gratitude for those years of serene interactions. When I share with friends about the changes in my daughter, some find it hard to believe that this only happened after a blissful ten years of parenting.

Sadly, our dinner table went from fun and loving chatter to a battleground of pressing her about the importance of nourishing herself well. Car rides were no longer about sharing and catching up. Instead, I became one of those rushing through traffic before my daughter in the backseat got bored. Sure, it was all fun and games during those years of “togetherness,” but once the conflicts and defiance started, I knew it was time to rein things in.

As someone who was once a basketball coach for adolescent kids, I help children get along better, smooth out communication wrinkles, and boost productivity and morale. It turns out the same principles apply at home.

Conflict, whether within the family walls or the basketball court, often stems from unclear communication. Armed with my expertise with children aged 10–12, I’ll share several key relationship tactics to help you handle these fresh dynamics with more peace and harmony.

Table of Contents

Discipline Vs. “Tweens”

The ages 10–12 offer a rollercoaster of challenges that make parenting feel like a puzzle with many missing pieces. It is a bit baffling why there’s very little advice for us parents on how to handle this tricky period of our child’s life.

However, despite the occasional mood swings and eye rolls, tweens still want to please their parents and actually enjoy spending time with the family. I suggest you make the most of this before the more demanding teen years hit.

Dealing with kids in this age range, well, let’s just say, is not always a walk in the park.The sweetheart, who used to go along with whatever I decided, suddenly has her new and improved version. The little girl, who was all sunshine and rainbows, turned moody, snapping at the smallest things. If you are one of those parents who enjoyed their child’s baby and toddler days, this whole change-up might be a little difficult.

Maggie points out that this stage is crucial because it is a time when children’s brains are still receptive to parental guidance but mature enough to grasp basic life lessons. This period allows parents to transition from a teaching role to treating their children more as equals. This is the perfect time to impart basic skills such as cooking, financial literacy, housekeeping, and navigating critical topics such as sex, drugs, and internet safety.

However, the importance of not burdening teenagers is also emphasized. Maggie recalls a discussion on a parenting forum where a mother shared her concern about her child’s excessive multi-activity schedule. The child, enrolled in four different clubs, expressed a desire to leave one. The mother’s hesitation, fearing this might encourage the habit of giving up, highlights the fine line between encouraging engagement and respecting the child’s limitations.

According to Maggie, one of the most important lessons is teaching children the power of saying no. They must learn to distinguish between what is necessary and what is not. This skill helps avoid burnout and plays a vital role in character development and long-term decision-making as they move through adolescence.

Encourage a growth mindset in tweens. Instead of praising inherent qualities like intelligence, praise effort, strategy, and progress. This helps them learn to tackle challenges and persevere through difficulties.
Dr. Carol Dweck, Psychologist

Parents, buckle up.

Puberty now rolls in earlier than it used to. By the time your child is wrapping up primary school, you might already be dealing with some physical and emotional changes, such as breast development or mood swings. A few of the girls in your child’s class may have also started menstruation.

And don’t forget about their brains doing their own makeover, making tricky behavior inescapable. My advice? When those door slams and eye rolls start, just remember not to take it too personally. It’s simply part of the ride.

Once your kid hits the age of ten, you should get ready to witness how the growing influence of friends starts to outshine parents. Suddenly, the clothes, hobbies, music, and movies that get the thumbs up of their peers are more important to make them feel that they “fit in.”

As a parent, letting it happen and avoiding unnecessary battles is tempting. I mean, teenage decision-making is just around the corner anyway, and who wants a major row over their choice of a shirt, right? Still, this is the time to hit the shops together, but let your tween have more say in their style, and let them lead when it comes to their choices. After all, I bet you know that enforcing your own tastes will never be a winning strategy.

The tween years are a critical period for brain development. Parents should understand that this is a time of great neuroplasticity, and experiences during this period can have profound, long-lasting impacts.
Dr. Laurence Steinberg, Adolescent Psychologist

Why is My Preteen So Uncooperative?

Let’s be honest – sometimes parents may feel really confused. Our once obedient child refuses your every request, and you feel a dose of hostility in the air. They might even be more vocal about how they hate us. But hang on, it is not permanent, and they probably really don’t mean it. Your child is just caught up in a rollercoaster of emotions fueled by their own confusion and a pinch of resentment for the power we wield over them.

Remember when your toddler realized they have more independence and a wide range of choices? They say “no” simply because they know they can. Plus, their more advanced language can now be used not just for sensible negotiations but also for deception, sassy comebacks, and full-blown rebellion against your control.

Life also becomes more challenging for your preteen as they are no longer seen as “cute.” Now, the pressure’s on them to behave like a young adult, which can be extra stressful.

Here are the top behavior challenges in preteens:

They have developed selective hearing when it comes to parents.
Starts answering back.
Consistently says ‘no’ when asked to do something.
Drops unexpected language bombs (yep, we’re talking swearing.)
Becomes more secretive and starts to lie.

How to Survive Your Child’s Preteen Years

Not too long ago, ten to twelve-year-olds were simply labeled as children. Today, we recognize that puberty hits the scene earlier for most kids. This phase has always been a challenge. But throw in today’s cultural changes, and you’ve got young minds facing the pressures and dilemmas that were once beyond imagination as they stroll into middle school and inch closer to their teen years.

Even if you lucked out with an easygoing child, tackling the preteen years is a whole different monster. Discipline, school, homework, and family time – everything will be up for negotiation. So, how do you navigate the preteen years, lay down a sturdy foundation, and still come out with a tight parent-child bond?

Here are a few tips on effectively parenting your child as they march toward their teen years.

Stay in Touch

Make meal times a family affair as much as you can. Turns out, kids who regularly sit down to dinner with their parents not only crush it in school but also steer clear of drugs and alcohol. Plus, they are less likely to have sex while in high school and more likely to dodge anxiety and depression.

You can read more about it through Maggie’s book “Dealing with Teen Anxiety.”

Check-in on your tween daily by sneaking in some one-on-one time about 15 minutes before bedtime. Take advantage of those long, traffic-induced car rides. Maybe it’s the lack of eye contact, but kids speak more freely when you don’t look at them directly.

Whether it’s a monthly brunch or a weekly stroll, a little alone time with your child may work wonders. Sure, your preteen might not throw open the doors to vulnerability at every interaction, but if you create enough opportunities and you mostly listen and love, magic will eventually happen.

Clearly Lay Out Expectations

You have to understand that the lines of communication must remain open. Never underestimate the power of a good ol’ family meeting. Sit down with your child and dish out what you expect when it comes to proper behavior. Explain why it is a big deal and how life could be a whole lot sunnier if you work together as a family.

I always tell my daughter that getting annoyed and even trying to get under each other’s skin is normal. It happens. But I reminded her that she should never purposely upset me and that there would be consequences if she crossed that line. I also tossed around some ideas on what might be a fair consequence and made it clear that she’d get a heads-up on why she’s being punished.

Understand That Your Tween Needs Independence

As parents, when we start feeling a bit less in control, our knee-jerk reaction is to become overprotective. Instead of breathing down their necks, come up with an agreement about sticking to certain standards. Don’t hesitate to throw in some reasonable limits – like no texting during dinner, finishing homework before watching TV, or diving into online chats. (Check out our posts about the dangers of the Internet.)

Brace yourself for those ‘I hate this’ moments, but it’s just all part of the deal. Although we set boundaries based on our values, you have to understand that it’s your preteen’s job to test those limits.

Coach Now, Critique Later

When problems arise, don’t wait around to tackle the issue. Call your child to a quiet spot and discuss the poor behavior that went down. Ask your kid what they can do to avoid the altercation next time and what kind of support they need to handle their responsibilities.

For instance, my 11-year-old said she likes it better if she and her cousins take turns watching their favorite YouTube videos. So, we struck a deal – each gets their 15-minute turn at the remote to pick what they want to watch. Team effort, right?

Know That Hormones in Puberty Are No Joke

The changes in your child’s body are creating distractibility, competitiveness, mood swings, and a preoccupation with sex. And let’s not forget about the brain. It’s going through a major rewiring, making your tween more emotional.

Tantrums are in the mix, too. When the meltdowns hit, be the calm in the storm. Let them know you get they’re upset and offer them some space to gather themselves before you discuss whatever sets off their emotional fireworks.

Ask if they want you around or if they need a solo cool-down. Because the truth is, your preteen is as confused about their mood swings as you are right now. Later, give them a warm hug and listen to what they say. Even if you’re not on the same page, nod to their perspectives and work together to find a common ground.

Make Your Words Count

Be aware that the more your child dives into pop culture, the higher the chance of them stumbling into risky stuff like drug and alcohol use, early sexual experimentation, and depression. Preteens want to feel all grown up, copying the adults they see around them. Yes, they want to fit in, but deep down, they are still counting on us to keep them safe and to remind them what’s age-appropriate.

Trust me, they might think they are ready to wear that flashy top or sing that ‘edgy’ song at the recital, but they’re not. This is where we come in with tight rules on internet use (refer to our prior posts) and movie choices. It’s not that they’ll admit it, but they know they still need us to guide them.

Stay Aware of Your Child’s Needs as They Grow Up

Let’s talk about our little girls and growing up. Right now, they’re dealing with a whole bunch – social media pushing unrealistic expectations about attractiveness, the pressure to be sexy, their relationship with food, understanding consent, and wrapping their heads around their changing bodies at puberty.

Remember that girls naturally go through some curves before the growth spurts kick in, so ditch society’s obsession that ‘thin is the only attractive.’ If you spot any issues as their bodies bloom, handle them with care. Dads, your daughter needs you here, so keep those hugs coming. Let them know how beautiful they are and create an environment of safety and those all-important boundaries.

On the other hand, boys at puberty juggle this mix of connection, tenderness, and vulnerability, which are part of every human relationship, all while trying to fit into society’s idea of manliness. It’s normal for boys to try to pull off the ‘cool and indifferent’ act, even if they are actually sensitive souls deep down.

Dads, I see you as the critical teachers showing boys how to handle the tricky path of becoming good men while still fitting in with the crew. We are the most effective guides on those heart-to-heart talks about consent and respecting women. Keep those fun and warm conversations flowing. Listen to their stories about his interests and experiences, but resist the urge to solve every problem.

Of exploring identity, peers, and seeking individuality…

Kids are growing up faster than ever, and the child-to-puberty transition feels like stepping into a minefield for us parents.

No relationship is perfect; real, deep-seated ones come with their fair share of frustrations and disagreements. However, as parents, we are expected to set the behavior bar, lead by example, and keep our messages consistent. Surprisingly enough, it’s just as doable at home as on the basketball court.

Thankfully, the hormone storms in our home have eased up a bit. Sure, the puberty years might be lurking, but for now, we’re enjoying more pleasant dinner conversations and car rides that don’t feel like a battle of wills. We’re getting there.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to give another hug to my 11-year-old daughter.

As we wrap up this discussion on parenting through the challenging years of puberty, remember the importance of understanding and navigating this pivotal stage in your child’s life. For more in-depth guidance, look out for Maggie’s upcoming book, which focuses on effective parenting strategies during puberty.

Interested in gaining early insights and contributing your perspective? Subscribe to receive an advance copy of Maggie’s book. Your input will help refine this essential guide for parents navigating the complexities of puberty.

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