The Devastating Impact Of Parental Alienation On Children | Make Parenting Easier

Children exposed to parental interference and alienation show in adulthood depression and anxiety symptoms, a higher risk of psychopathology, lower self-esteem and self-sufficiency. As well as, higher alcohol and drug use rates, parental relationship difficulties, insecure attachment, lower life quality, higher divorce rates, feelings of loss, abandonment and guilt. They also report repetition of these alienating behaviors on their children by their partner or their own children’s grandparents
Miralles, P., Godoy, C. & Hidalgo, M.D. Long

Did you know that when you talk to your child badly about your ex-partner, you hurt your child the most? At the start of my long, arduous custody battle with my ex, my then 6-year-old daughter told me she was “tired of having me take care of her.” Although I knew she didn’t mean it, hearing those words from a child I singlehandedly nurtured for six years brought so much pain and heartache.

Unfortunately, parental alienation is a common issue that many separated parents must confront. So, what can you do if your ex-partner is turning your child against you? Should you pay them back? How can you face the problem directly and reduce the damage?

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What Is Parental Alienation?

Lacking a clear-cut definition, parental alienation is typically described as a situation where a child’s resistance towards one parent results from unwarranted psychological manipulation by the other parent. While courts, legal professionals, and experts dealing with child custody matters have long acknowledged its existence, it has only recently gained increased attention.

Several upsetting behaviors manifest in various ways, such as when a child displays a reluctance to spend time with one parent after a separation. In its most detrimental form, it sadly involves one parent methodically trying to wipe out the other from a child’s life.

However, it is important to remember that, apart from being a source of great stress for the non-alienating parent, parental alienation can often inflict significant and lasting emotional harm on children.

Signs That Your Ex Is Turning Your Child Against You

The effects of parental alienation differ. A parent can naturally feel that something has changed with their child’s attitude towards them. In extreme cases, a child who once enjoyed a loving relationship with a parent suddenly refuses to see or spend time with them for no reason, much like how my daughter disowned me.

Here are some of the obvious signs that your former partner is negatively influencing your child against you:

You are allowed limited time with your child

Whether you are still together or have long been separated, know that if your partner limits your time with your child, you are a victim of parental alienation. An alienating parent often uses this ploy to isolate you and ensure you have as little relationship as possible with your child.

They may also use the space they have created between you and your kid to show them that you really don’t care for them, that you were a horrible partner, and that you were never a loving parent.

Your child worries about being rejected by your former partner

Another telltale sign that your ex is trying to turn your child against you is if you notice that your child has become more reserved when showing affection toward you.

I remember my daughter running away from me at the mall and refusing to come home to the place where she was raised, crying and screaming at me to turn the car around and bring her back to her mother. She would also refuse to kiss me goodbye when I dropped her off at her mother’s, fearing she would be punished for showing me love.

Your child makes excuses not to talk with you

If you feel that your child has been making excuses each time you are supposed to be together, whether during your court-allotted visitation time or when you are allowed to speak on the phone, it could be a sign that there are attempts by your ex to turn your child against you.

Your former partner may have made them think less of you by telling them that you have other important things in mind besides your child or that you simply choose to be absent. Show your child otherwise by being constantly present in every recital, concert, or performance.

The relationship you had with your child has changed

A strong bond with your child is priceless. However, if your ex pins the blame for the separation on you, it may result in your child becoming distant or even hostile toward you.

When our character is attacked, our natural response is to set the record straight by trying to talk sense into your ex. But sometimes, telling your former partner how much this tactic hurts your kid emotionally is pointless because they believe they are considering your kid’s best interest by protecting them from you.

Simply walk away and accept that your ex is not crazy but just a little unwell, and redirect your love energy towards your kid.

What Can You Do To Prevent Parental Alienation?

To neutralize being alienated by your ex, you must understand how this whole process of turning you kid against you works. By now, you should know that parental alienation is a systematic brainwashing technique that paints you as a bad, scary parent.

Nevertheless, there are several proactive steps you can take to save yourself from being illustrated as the “Daddy from Hell.”

Teach your Child to Think Smart

The best way to combat parental alienation is to teach your child how to form and express their own opinions. Explain to them how two people can have opposing views, but that doesn’t mean that one or the other is a bad person.

Remind your child to carefully analyze a situation before jumping to any conclusions. Not only will it help them develop critical thinking skills, but it will also allow them to determine if the things that the alienating parent is saying about you are accurate.

Do Not React Emotionally

Try not to let your former partner see that they are getting under your skin. More importantly, do not let them see that you are getting upset about what they have said, for it will just make them gloat.

Instead, focus on proving to your child that everything they heard is untrue. Remember that getting frustrated with your kid for believing your ex only shows that you are the crazy, angry person they say you are. Save your emotions for your lawyer or therapist, and be a loving and understanding parent.

Never Engage In Manipulation

I mentioned earlier the harm that parental alienation can inflict on your child. While it might be tempting to respond to your ex’s negative behavior with similar tactics, doing so proves futile.

Engaging in manipulation, while it may temporarily alleviate your stress, ultimately doesn’t serve your child’s best interests. In fact, it could even lead the court to perceive you as an unfit parent. Instead, take the higher road, set aside your hurt feelings, and focus on strengthening your bond with your child.

Conclusion

Being the “Targeted Parent” can be incredibly heart-wrenching. Just because your kid is on the alienating parent’s side today doesn’t mean they’ll be teammates forever.

As your child develops their identity, they may recognize your ex’s scheming tactics and take offense about being used as a pawn. I know this is true with my now 11-year-old daughter. She has asked so many questions about our situation over the past few years, and I see her being more discerning about what she hears about me from her mother.

Bear in mind that there is no way you can transform your ex into a more cooperative co-parent. Still you can always focus your efforts on managing parental alienation and having the best relationship with your children.

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