The Evolving Parenting Style: Adapting Across 4 Stages Of Child Development

Explore how an evolving parenting style can empower you to navigate four key stages: Deep Connection, Establishing Ground Rules, Discovering Together, and Respecting Them. Discover how this approach can simplify parenting and nurture strong, lasting relationships.

Disputes about whether parents should be strict or soft, whether children should have boundaries or be resolved, are endless. Everyone has understandings and beliefs in theory, and when faced with the little man who is terrifyingly stubborn and disarmingly helpless, our behavior has nothing to do with what we know in theory.

No matter which stage of your parenting journey you find yourself in, it’s essential to pause and consider what your child truly needs during this particular phase.

Being a good parent means doing what’s right for your child, not just what you want.

Table of Contents

From Tibet to Today

The theory of different attitudes towards children in different periods of their maturation originates from ancient times. The Tibetan approach to education thousands of years ago was:

By the age of 5 – treat the child like a king

Up to the age of 10 – treat the child as a worker

Up to the age of 15 – treat the child as an equal

From the age of 15 – treat the child with respect

On the one hand, the wisdom of the East is indisputable, and listening to it can be very useful. On the other hand, the realities in different countries and cultures are very different, and the direct transfer of experience usually proves unsuccessful.

The main thing your child will always need is your love; everything else depends on the circumstances.

To be more accurate, I did a study of children’s brain development; in addition, I looked at studies by psychologists on the influence of birthers on the development of children. Having summarized history, science, psychology, and experience, I am ready to introduce you to a method of parenting that is not only easier but also effective.

It is EASIER because you do not need to fight the draft but use the child’s natural growth. When some things are done on time, they become much faster and more natural.

It is more EFFECTIVE because not only the physical factors of development but also the psychological point of view are considered as to whether we will raise a creative and independent person who complies with norms and laws or a performer who is afraid to make his own decisions.

Visualize our Ultimate Goal

Assessing success in parenting is complex and subjective. Every child is unique, and specific indicators can not always measure success in parenting. However, every parent wants to stay close to their child even when they grow up and take on their own life. In addition, we want them to have good interpersonal relationships and success in school. We want them to understand and accept the importance of good values and ethics. It is important for us that they have good self-esteem and easily cope with the challenges of life.

With this goal, we already have a light in the tunnel to which we are headed. Now, let me light up the rest of your path.

Developmentally Evolving Parenting

The elegance of this type of parenting comes from consistency. Initially, you build trust, which helps you in the second stage to establish the rules. Once you have built good habits and relationships, it is much easier to properly stimulate the child’s development until he is ready to cope independently.

Skipping one of these stages will complicate your relationship with your child and make your parenting more difficult.

Think about it: if someone tells you to do something, how much easier it is to do it if it comes from someone you trust entirely, and how hard it would be for you if it were said by someone you weren’t sure cared about.

Stage 1: (0-2 years): Deep Bond

Lay the foundation of a deep connection. They rely on you for every aspect of their lives, and you need to give them a sense of security, assuring them that you are there for them.

You will be convinced of this by seeing the latest studies that have been done on the brain. Here is a brief quote from one such study. The earliest messages that the brain receives have an enormous impact.

Early brain development is the foundation of human adaptability and resilience, but these qualities come at a price. Because experiences have great potential to affect brain development, children are especially vulnerable to persistent negative influences during this period. On the other hand, these early years are a window of opportunity for parents, caregivers, and communities: positive early experiences greatly affect children’s chances for achievement, success, and happiness.
Baby’s Brain Begins Now: Conception to Age 3

This will tell you how important it is to remain next to them. When they call you, whether with crying or with the sweetest words, “Mom” and “Daddy,” you should pay attention to them.

Building a strong, loving relationship with our little ones is paramount during these early years.

We nurture trust and a deep sense of security when consistently meeting their comfort and care needs. Ignoring their cries can make them feel lost and abandoned, affecting them in later stages.

By age 3, thanks to the environment and the attention you give to your child, you will not only strengthen your relationship with your child and make them more confident in yourself, but you will develop their brain to achieve more effective connections that support learning, memory, and many other cognitive abilities.

From the psychologists’ research, I would like to share a study done on three groups of children. Children raised in institutions, children adopted in early childhood, and children raised in loving families. You will be convinced that feeding and drying your child is not enough if you read it.

Children raised in institutional settings have no experience stimulating healthy brain growth, and we would expect to see subsequent developmental “errors” giving rise to a range of problems.
Brain development and the role of experience in the early years

So, if your child is crying, be sure there’s a reason. They may be hungry, in pain, or just bored and want to play with you. Be sure that this will not be for long. Very soon, they will be teenagers, and it will be difficult for you to even say Hi to them.

Stage 2: (2-6 years): Ground Rules

You will notice that this beautiful stage has begun when our little ones show their independence. They can insist on dressing, choosing activities, and sharing their preferences more enthusiastically. This signals that it is time to teach them order and discipline.

It is important to note that children’s brains continue to grow to about 80% of the size of an adult by age 3 and 90% – almost completely grown up – by age 5. Which is stated in simple language – they are ready to absorb any knowledge and skills.

Your role is to be your child’s manager. Give precise instructions and ask for it to be done on time. This applies to building the foundation of their character, instilling habits, hygiene, attitudes, responsibilities, and duties that will shape their behavior throughout life.

It is essential to be firm and expect them to follow the rules because, in this way, we lay the solid foundation for their upbringing.

Although this period requires you to be strict and adamant, to demand complete obedience from them, remember that they also have feelings.

Arm yourself with patience. This period is the most responsible. During this period, you will say your first firm NO and have to endure the cries and requests. At some point, they’ll try to lie to you—don’t punish them—it’s a great time to teach them why it’s better to tell the truth.

Early childhood is a wonderful period when our children lay the building blocks for their future. This is a time of curiosity, adventure, and rapid growth for them. And you have to be strict, confident, unbending, and at the same time understanding and loving.

Stage 3: (6-12 years): Discover Together

Treat them as equals during this stage. This enables you not only to provide but also to expect from them. During this period, our children explore their identities and interests, forming a clearer sense of themselves. Every lesson and every caring interaction with you contributes to their growth and well-being.

Your support and encouragement are essential as they embark on this exciting chapter of their lives filled with exploration, learning, and self-discovery. If you did well in the second period, this will be one of the easiest and most fun periods in parenting.

By now, your child should have a built-up regimen and have learned the essential social skills. Their brain is ready to accumulate knowledge and skills, and the only thing that is required of you as a parent is to stimulate your child’s interests.

This does not mean you have to enroll in 3 sports clubs, 2 scientific and something creative. It’s not necessary; it only complicates your life.

Instead, have fun with them until you find something that really interests them. Go on excursions, visit museums, play different games, do experiments, draw, and learn to play the guitar. Do everything together.

If, at this point, you do not begin to treat them as equals, you can repel your child and harm the integrity of your relationship. They should be comfortable with you and ask questions without fearing punishment or humiliation. This is the period of the first “love,” of the first clash with the Internet, the first real friendships. The possibility of being hurt or getting hurt is enormous.

Their curiosity grows, and if they can’t satisfy it by getting information from you, they can get it from bad sources, such as the wrong influence of peers, the wrong sites, or adults with a completely different outlook on life than yours.

You need to pay attention to their emotions. They are better equipped to manage their emotions but may experience occasional emotional ups and downs. Training them on healthy coping mechanisms is essential. They seek more autonomy in different aspects of their lives. Encouraging them to take on age-appropriate responsibilities can boost their self-esteem.

Teaching them problem-solving skills can be invaluable. Encouraging them to accept challenges as opportunities for growth is very important. They learn to resolve conflicts more maturely, both with peers and in the family.

When you study the world around you, you must include topics such as sex, drugs, and dangers on the Internet. These are things they need to learn from you before you’re 12.

It should not be in the form of a lecture. Still, if you share your experience with them, it will enter their consciousness. When they encounter these things in the teenage period, they will know how to protect themselves.

Stage 4: (12+ years): Respect Them

This age is the most difficult to understand and is full of drama and emotions. This is the stage I can safely call “Expect the Unexpected.” If you have not prepared your child to cope with his feelings and desires, this period can be a challenge for you.

As outrageous as this may sound because this is the period when they will make the biggest mistakes, the best thing you can do for them is to show them your boundless love and respect.

This is when you must stop any bans, instructions, or restrictions. Now is the time to see how they will cope on their own, and most of all, they will feel what it is like to be responsible for themselves. It’s like a prep exam before they encounter real life.

I’m not saying you should step away from them and let them do whatever they want.

Start listening to them, empathizing with them, and understanding their emotions and experiences. Even when you feel like giving lectures, stop. Start asking questions.

Here’s a little quote from my book “Coping with Teen Anxiety.”

“You have to develop an inquisitive interrogation style. While listening, ask questions so that your teen can find answers to their problems on their own. You summarize what they have said and synthesize, sifting out unwanted thoughts and emphasizing positively to guide their thinking.

You need to remember – Ask, Listen, Summarize and Synthesize. You should encourage them to think and react more usefully.

Let them solve their own problems – with your support. As parents, we are, by default, in problem-solving mode. We hate seeing our children suffer, so our natural instinct is to rush to fix everything. Instead, focus on giving them the tools to deal with the situation and finding a solution that works for them.

A good way to do this is by asking questions instead of offering opinions and directing them to useful resources so they can figure things out on their own. As your relationship changes, your role becomes more of a mentor or leader rather than a leader or manager.

Above all, meet your teen where they are, not where you think or want them to be. They are human beings, just like you, learning and growing every day. They want to be seen and recognized for who they are and what they stand for, whether you agree with it or not. Their journey to self-awareness is still very much in the early stages, but their support with each step gives them hope and reassures them that you always have your back.”

If you are interested in the details of each stage, you will have to wait for the release of my next book, which will be about the stages of child development in detail. There, you will find both scientific evidence and practical advice.

Let’s Face It

As you can see, each stage of your child’s development requires different attention on your part. If we don’t prepare the soil well and lay a firm foundation for our relationship, the next stage, when we need to build basic habits, will be much more difficult.

I think this is the time to quote:

When you keep criticizing your kids, they don’t stop loving you.
They stop loving themselves.
Let that sink in.

Whichever way you decide to raise your child, no matter what your style is, remember children love their parents and always strive to please and make them happy. If, by chance, the old child misbehaves, it is not because he does not love you but because something is happening. So, you have to find the cause.

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